Judy Harrison, Life Coach for Women specializing in empty nest and midlife issues

"Confronting an empty nest requires enormous reorganization--only it's not files or an office you're trying to rearrange, but the very architecture of your life, your identity and your connection to someone you love." ~~ Julie Morgenstern

Welcome Empty Nesters

If you've arrived at this page it is likely that you're going through what is commonly referred to as "the empty nest syndrome." Most parents tell me that this is one of the most painful experiences of their lives, while others shout "Hooray!" and of course every conceivable emotion and combination of emotions in between. And while we acknowledge the restructuring of our lives - our family configuration, and parenting as we have known it - we are also aware of new beginnings ahead. But as we look back on our memories, while looking forward to joys to come, it is important to remember to take care of yourself in this moment. No matter where you are in the process, you will get through it, but be patient with yourself, keeping in mind that there is only one way to get through it and that is to go through it.

As a life coach and an empty nest mom myself, I welcome you! I hope you will find the tips, stories and suggestions below to be helpful and supportive. If you would like to schedule a complimentary coaching session with me you can e-mail me at judy@judyharrison.com.

If you would like to add your story just send it to me at judy@judyharrison.com and I will have Martin, The Webmaster Wizard add it below. You don't have to use your real name, that's up to you. And, thanks to everyone who is sharing your experience with us.

It is official. I have lost my job as air traffic controller of my family! And, just when I had reached the pinnacle of my career as "mom", just when I finally felt like I had the "kids" figured out, had learned how to successfully multi-task keeping a minimum of six projects running smoothly at once, and balance both time and financial budget, it's over! Now, there will be no one fighting over TV remotes and front seats, no need to ask who left their soda can on the coffee table (I KNOW it will be mine), or inquiring "what's that peculiar odor (incense burning) coming from under your bedroom door?" Now the house is quiet...deafeningly quiet. And yes, I do recall daydreaming about this very moment. What was I thinking? How was I to know it would be like this? This isn't at all what I imagined. But I won't burden my son with my sadness. He has enough to adjust to at college and pressures of his own. Instead I write to release my feelings and share them with other parents who will understand, and may even be comforted by reading it. So, now I am off to update my resume! Good luck to all of you.
"Still a Mom in NC"

Our nest is now childless, but you are so right Judy, it is still half-full. Thank you for reminding me of that. When I read it I began thinking about all the many ways our lives have revolved around being parents for almost 21 years. Our youngest just left for college and now we can do the things we have talked about, but never had time for in the past. Don't get me wrong, we miss our kids and love them. But we are also ready to begin a new phase of life. Thanks again for the reminder!
"Half-Fullers" in MI

Grieve the loss. When my first son left for college many well-intentioned people urged me to simply "get over it." In other words, stuff your feelings and go on as if everything is fine. The truth is that in order to "get over it" you must go through it, feel it and experience how you are with your new lifestyle. This is a loss and we all grieve in our own way.

Remember that the nest is still half-full. It's easy to focus on the nest being half-empty right now. This is the perfect time to become more aware of your own needs. If you are married, or have a partner, this is an ideal time to focus more intentionally on your relationship. Many blended-family partners have never experienced being "just a couple," having always been an instant family.

Stay connected with your son or daughter. This will be healing for both of you. They likely won't tell you how much they are missing you too. Set the example that feelings are a good thing, and need to be honored. Remember though that boundaries are a good thing as well, and need to be respected. Arrange mutually convenient times to talk with them by phone, instant messenger, e-mail, etc. There are so many ways to stay connected these days while respecting their newly acquired independence, and establishing some boundaries for your own.

Exercise. If you find yourself low on energy go for a walk. Taking a walk fuels your mind, body and soul. Yoga is also a very good way to focus, relax, release, restore, and renew your spirit.

Learn when to expect the "empty moments" to crop up. These are the times during the day when you miss them the most, when you feel the emptiness in the pit of your stomach, usually a time of day that holds special significance. The simplest moments are often the most difficult. Family dinnertime, or the time they would be coming home from school can be tough. Allow yourself time to grieve the change of these moments. Then, try restructuring your time schedule a bit. Instead of eating alone during the time you would have eaten as a family, meet a friend or another couple for dinner, coffee, or to play tennis.

Talk about it. There's a very good reason why there are so many therapists in the phone book. Talking helps! That's just the way our brains are wired. Find someone who will listen without judgment and share your feelings with them. Other empty nest parents can be a great source of comfort.

Be patient with yourself (and your partner if you have one.) You spent the last eighteen years loving and caring for this child. Acknowledge your needs and take special care of yourself during this transition.

Learn something new. Your child has gone out into the world to discover and learn more about who they are and what they want. It's your turn to do the same. What have you always been interested in but never seemed to find time for? This is the perfect occasion to take an art class, dance lessons; learn to SCUBA dive, sky dive, or whatever interests you. Not only will you benefit, but also you will be setting a wonderful example of resilience for your son or daughter.

Take comfort in knowing they will be back. At least for visits, and who knows, maybe longer. But that is an entirely different topic! ;-)

Coaching is not a replacement for therapy, medical, financial or legal services.